Day Four... Staying distracted

I am having such a hard time staying distracted. I am not sure how to move on.

Today the D&C was performed. I suppose, if I can be honest, that it wasn't as bad as I thought. Truth be told the nurses were sensitive to me and how I felt- and they all, one by one, said they were sorry.  The hardest part was walking down the hall to the room where they would be performing the removal of the ramins of my raspberry. It felt like such a long walk. I could not look up from the floor. I just kept my head down, in that stupid gown they dress you in, in those stupid grip socks...and wondered how and why I was there.

I had an orange bracelet on my writst with my name on it. I looked at it over and over again. I thought I'd be excited to be in the hospital, with my wrist band...and my husband. But instead, it was cut 7 months short by this freak experience.

When I arrived at the room, they gently sat me down on this long bed that looked like a cross.  the arms were outstretched and I could see straps on it. I was told to place my bottom at the end of the table and that soon I would relax. I couldn't beleive how many people (including men) were in the room. I couldn't believe I would end up completely asleep and unconscious with all of these people watching Dr. Green suction out my baby. With my legs open, on an exam table, asleep, they would be removing the remains of Raspberry. My little raspberry.  Before I knew it, I was asleep.

I woke up on a bed beside a woman I didn't know who was moaning. There were nurses everywhere bustling around and chatting about what they'd done this passed weekend. I remember what I did. I sobbed. I sobbed about my baby. When I felt between my legs there was an enourmous pad shoved between them. No panties. No bra. No one had even bothered to tie my ugly gown. Just another D&C. A number. Another one today.... unfortunately. It seems to be unnatural, yet all I keep hearing is that it happens all the time.

I was transferred to a separate room where I was administered Rhogam (or whatever they call it) because my blood is 0-. I didn't even know that. A lot I didn't know about myself.

I didn't know I could be embarrassed about being sad and weak
I didn't know I would try to remain distracted in order to not cry
I didn't know I would feel so alone in this journey- that although I realize my husband feels sorrow I cannot admit that his pain is as deep or as real as mine; How could it be? He hadn't felt Raspberry inside of him. His breasts hadn't engorged to reach a new size - he hadn't felt the bubbles I felt as soon as week one.

But he cried. He did. He cried and he is working so hard to make me laugh. To make me smile. To feed me and bathe me and make sure that I look pretty....because he knows that I like that stuff. Makeup and ironed clothes. But. I have been wearing the same purple button down and ripped jeans for days now. Probably since Saturday. Changed nothing more than my bloody underwear and now oversized bra. And EVERYTIME I look in that mirror I remember my baby. I remember and I miss my bahy...and I cry.

Today was hard. Day four was long. I couldn't sleep and don't know when I will be able to again. I want to see my baby's face and know that he is okay.

I am sorry Raspberry. Mommy didn't mean to leave you all alone. I wanted to meet you and hug you tight and love you forever. I know you are a little angel now, but mommy misses you and needed you too.

Going to try and get myself together now. Not going into work again tomorrow. Going to try to take it slow.... though I am sure it will catch up with me. All I can think about is my baby. Can't stay distracted long enough.

Over and out- hope you are all well.
Carly