I am up. As soon as the first glimmer of light cracks through the window- I awaken to remember everything that's happened in the last few days. This morning I am well aware of what day it is. It is Monday. I am to report to work-but wont. Haven't called my manager yet. I am new here and have heard horror stories about how she handles "sick time." I don't know if I want to give her the details of my illness. I don't want to let her in to this. This is MY pain. This was MY baby. This is MY loss.
I wonder how the doctor can sleep. Why hasn't anyone called me yet to schedule this procedure? I don't think I can wait another day. I still don't understand how any of this happened. I went to the doctor for a MIGRAINE! How is my baby dead? I did everything I was supposed to. I think. Well yes. Now I just THINK I did. Now I remember everything I did wrong! Should I have NOT gone to step class on Tuesday at the gym? Should I have not become overwhelmed at work when Ellen wouldn't stop calling me. Should I have just quit my job when I found out I was blessed.
I'm sitting on the bed. At the edge. Normally I would be downstairs making waffles and having orange juice. I was hooked on those. Today I am not even hungry. How can I eat? Dr. Green still hasn't called me to set up my D&C.... can't believe it. Do you know what that stands for? Dilation and Curettage. Sounds horrible. I know I can't blame anyone for this. I know I shouldn't blame myself. But. It has to be attributed to something...because my baby was perfect and now he's dead.
Normally, today I would have woken up.... touched my belly. Smiled. Washed myself.... brushed my teeth...had a waffle. Smiled some more. Today I just sit at the edge of my bed in utter disbelief.
Day Three continues....
ReplyDeleteSo. I scheduled my D&C. Seven thirty tomorrow morning I should be checked in, blood drawn, IV in for my curetage. What in the world does that even mean? Ugh.
Realized tonight that I might be looking for someone to blame. Here's the story. A few weeks ago, I made the "we are having a baby" announcement to my immediate family. I asked them to promise to keep it a 'family secret.' On Friday night I walked in to my brother's house....and 4 people (his wife's family) stood up and screamed "Congratulations!" What the heck! I thought I was going to pass out! How did they find out. This of course was still within the "safe" period. Before I found out my raspberry was no longer with us...that he no longer had a little heart beat of his own. It wasn't long after (a mere 12 hours at the most) when I left the hospital sobbing after seeing my deflated balloon sitting at the bottom of the screen-lifeless. How will I ever face these people? How will I look at them and make as if "everything is fine, don't worry about me."
Why haven't I been spared the additional humiliation- and WHY does this feel so terrible. So humiliating. So embarrasing. I feel like I failed. I failed my family. I failed my baby. My husband. These STRANGERS are now people I need to explain myself to.
I told a colleague. I told a friend. I still don't feel better. I called my boss. TOld her my story. Made me feel worse. Feels bad to feel bad. Feels bad not to. Lost in between somewhere.
Mortified about the procedure tomorrow. Getting put to sleep... waking up in a strange room naked. stripped of my self everything. How can anyone describe these horrible feelings. God knows I am failing miserably.
Okay friends. Until tomorrow. Wish me luck as I go in and say a final goodbye to my dear baby. A part of me for such a short time- a part of me forever.
Wish me luck- Wish me strength...wish me mercy.