Oh my. What a long day already.
Day One after the horrible news has quickly and seamlessly blended with day two.
Twelve weeks ago, my husband and I received the most amazing news. We had long anticipated growing our family. A new addition. We met Raspberry (yeah, that's what we were calling our little bean) in August. Late in the month we saw a small blinking image during a sonogram. Wow.
How quickly the blinking image became the center of our universe is hard to say. I don't know - it was simultaneous. We suddenly stopped thinking in "me's" and "I's" and started thinking in "We's...and Our's." Life was different. Looking in the mirror was so different too. We embraced nights on the couch and long naps on the grass. We even embraced decaf!
About 5 days ago I had a migraine onset. It was such a long day at work. All I could think about was keeping my raspberry safe. Safe. No stress. No crying. No stress. The migraine headache persisted for over 72 hours leading me to call the OB and schedule a conversation. I never ever imagined what would follow. She scheduled an appointment for a sonogram, an RH blood test (I still don't know what that is), and asked me to lie back while she examined me. The next morning my husband was flying out to Texas on business...and I would be going in for the sonogram alone. I still cannot believe what happened next.
With no clues, no idea...I laid back on the table and let Martha, the sonogram technician insert the probe. I had endured this part before. I was confident. "I can't wait to see my baby"...I thought. When she asked how far along I was, I sensed panic in her voice. I looked at the screen and to my shock and ...I can't find words.... I saw a deflated balloon at the bottom of the screen. Just there. My raspberry. No movement. No blinking light... nothing from my baby.
I felt like my head was detaching itself from my body. I can only imagine that this feeling, this intense heat throughout ones body, is what is felt when you step on a land mine. When someone tells you of a bad diagnosis. When your mother dies. That's how it felt.
That's how it still feels today. But today....I feel embarrassed and ashamed too. I don't want to cry everytime I speak to someone. I don't want to be "the freak" who lost the baby. The "Freak" who can't stop crying. The "freak" who took things too seriously.
I feel alone. Im dizzy and confused. I am hurt and lonely. I miss my raspberry. A lot.
Day two stinks.
Found you via here via The Rebellious Pastor's Wife blog.
ReplyDeleteDon't let others dictate how you grieve or what's "valid" grief or not. Believe me: I'm learning this lesson myself with an entirely different sort of grief, but one that's as intangible and invisible to others as a miscarried pregnancy.
There's is no such thing as taking a pregnancy "too seriously" and taking it seriously doesn't make you a freak, it only makes those who scold you for grieving over something that's a fairly common occurrence cold and insensitive.
Don't sell yourself short by minimizing what you've lost. I tried that, and I'm still dealing with the repercussions of leaving it all buried and unresolved. It's been 20 years, now. Mercy, has it been that long?!)
God be with you: for He is, even in this tragedy and He is with you even if you don't FEEL like He is. May the God of all Consolation and comfort, who gave his own very son, Jesus Christ, to die for sins of the world; Jesus who even died for the sins of Adam who brought the evil of death into this world; may our Lord bless you and hold you until the day the He takes you home to Him, and you hold your child in heaven, through the power of the Holy Spirit, who with the Father and the Son is one God, now and forever, Amen.
I'm so sorry and know what you are going through. Feel free to email me if you want to "talk". I wrote about my experience last March on my blog too.
ReplyDeleteCloset Therapist,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your note. It means a lot. it also helped to visit your blog....helped get my mind off of tomorrow and focus on something else for a few minutes. Thank you all for your support. I will keep you all posted on what I learn tomorrow... Keep you posted on my progress with the D&C. Finally started spotting. Guess it really is over.